Well, it's that time again. The year is coming to an end. This means two things. 1. I'm reflecting on the entire past year. 2. I'm thinking about everything I want to do next year. I'm sure I'm not the only one who does this, but I figured I would share my thoughts with you.
My 2010 was, as always, full of drama. For the first five months, I was battling another episode of depression while trying to go to school, move on from a awful breakup, maintain my friendships, and build new ones. I moved back home to be with my family and friends and got the help I needed.
I've made some great new friendships and gotten closer to some old friends. Unfortunately, I also lost some friends due to snotty girlfriends and lack of control (not on my part). I miss them, but there's a reason they have chosen not to be a part of my life anymore, and I've accepted that.
I somehow ended up going the entire year without being in a relationship, though I was almost in a few. They never happened, and again, there's a reason for it. I've finally learned to be happy without a guy. I don't let myself get in too deep with anybody, and it has saved me a lot of pain. That doesn't mean I don't care about anyone or that I'm heartless. I'm still very emotional. I've just taught myself not to get too attached to anybody. It's done nothing but hurt me in the past, and I refuse to let it hurt me in the future.
I had an amazing summer, spending a lot of time with my church friends. I met a new friend at VBS and a lot of new friends at camp. High school week of camp was by far the best week I have ever experienced. Of course, I loved Tim's week with the little ones too. I'm so excited for next summer so I can see my wonderful friends again.
I spend my Fall semester overloading myself with 21 credit hours. I was a full time online student at Southeast and a part time student at John A. Logan. It was a boatload of work, but I managed to pull through with 5 A's and 2 B's in some fantastic and some not so lovely classes. As far as I know, I'm officially a junior. I also work part time in our office doing a ton of paperwork so I was busy as always.
I got to take a week away from school in November and went on family vacation to Disney World. It was so fun to just spend time with my family and not worry about school or work. We're already planning our vacation for next winter. No details yet though.
Some big decisions were made in my life this year. I decided to go back to Southeast starting next semester and pursue two Bachelor's degrees, management and psychology. I'll definitely miss my family and the friends I actually see now, but I really feel that this is the best decision for me right now.
On to 2011.
As I said, I'll be back at Southeast starting in just 20 days. I'll only be in 15 credit hours, which should be pretty simple given what I survived in the fall. I got my housing information yesterday. I got in the building I want, but I haven't talked to my roommate yet. I think she's in France with no computer so I hope she gets back soon so we can talk before move in.
I'm working on my list of goals for 2011. I'm thinking maybe a couple big ones thrown in with a whole bunch of easier to attain ones. Setting small goals can be a huge confidence booster because you accomplish a lot in a shorter amount of time. You should try it. I'm not going to post any of them just yet, but you'll get to see some when I get my list going.
Looks like the dog needs my attention. I hope you have had a wonderful 2010 and are looking forward to an even better 2011.
Love,
Brittany
Monday, December 27, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Weird Things About Me!
So I was reading another blog that I follow and saw a post written by the author about things she calls her personal oddities. I've never considered myself exactly normal, so I thought I'd make one of my own. Here we go.
1. The volume on the television has to be on a number ending in 0, 2, 5, or 8. If it's anything else, I will change it.
2. I don't watch MTV. I'm a 19 year old who watches Disney, TLC, and HGTV on a regular basis.
3. I eat the toppings off of my pizza, then the cheese, then sauce, then the bread part. I also eat the middle part of pizza rolls first.
4. I live on a fish farm, but I don't eat seafood.
5. I can't drive unless I'm singing obnoxiously loud.
6. I have a slight obsession with penguins so I get really excited when I get anything involving them.
7. I sometimes play out situations in my head so I know what I would say or do.
8. My nervous habit is picking at my lip.
9. A lot of times, I go out of my way to get someone's attention, and I usually realize how stupid it was about 10 seconds later.
10. I always say I'm going to eat better and exercise to help myself look better, but I never actually stick with it.
11. I make a character in Sims 3 that looks like me and play out what I wish I had the confidence to do.
12. I fish for compliments way more than I'm willing to admit.
That's all I have right now, but I'll try to come up with more and make another post in the future.
1. The volume on the television has to be on a number ending in 0, 2, 5, or 8. If it's anything else, I will change it.
2. I don't watch MTV. I'm a 19 year old who watches Disney, TLC, and HGTV on a regular basis.
3. I eat the toppings off of my pizza, then the cheese, then sauce, then the bread part. I also eat the middle part of pizza rolls first.
4. I live on a fish farm, but I don't eat seafood.
5. I can't drive unless I'm singing obnoxiously loud.
6. I have a slight obsession with penguins so I get really excited when I get anything involving them.
7. I sometimes play out situations in my head so I know what I would say or do.
8. My nervous habit is picking at my lip.
9. A lot of times, I go out of my way to get someone's attention, and I usually realize how stupid it was about 10 seconds later.
10. I always say I'm going to eat better and exercise to help myself look better, but I never actually stick with it.
11. I make a character in Sims 3 that looks like me and play out what I wish I had the confidence to do.
12. I fish for compliments way more than I'm willing to admit.
That's all I have right now, but I'll try to come up with more and make another post in the future.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Holt International
Hey there everybody! It's been a while since I've posted anything here because of a lovely little thing called school. Professors feel the need to throw everything at students in the last two to three weeks of class. Well, it's finals week, and I have a snow day so I decided to take a break from studying to write about something truly awesome.
ME!
No, not me. Actually, it's an organization called Holt International. I first heard about it last week at the Newsong/Newsboys Very Merry Christmas Tour concert. Holt is a Christian international adoption organization. I know what you're thinking, "Why the heck are you telling me about this? I can't adopt a child!" Well, neither can I, but there is another way to help.
You have the opportunity to sponsor a child who desperately needs your help. These children are either orphaned or have been given away by their parents in poor countries. Holt steps in to help these children to get adopted, but they still need help while they wait for a forever family. For just one dollar each day, you can help provide a child with "food, shelter, clothing, medical treatment, and attentive care." Not just any child though, you get to chose a child (or more than one if you want). Once the child is adopted, your sponsorship is over, but you get the amazing feeling of knowing that you helped care for your child until he or she was adopted.
I became a sponsor at that concert. My little girl is named Nominerdene. She is a six year old from Mongolia who loved music and singing. There is a lot of poverty in Mongolia so a lot of parents are abondoning their children. Holt International went in in 1999 and set up the Rainbow Baby Care Unit to help homeless children. They try to stabalize the children's birth homes so the children can be with their biological families, but when that can't happen, Holt works to find a family to adopt.
I am so thrilled to be able to sponsor this beautiful little girl and help her continue to sing. If you want to adopt, sponsor, or just want more informmation, go to www.holtinternational.org and look around. I hope this post can help more children to find sponsors.
Lots of love in the holiday season,
Brittany
ME!
No, not me. Actually, it's an organization called Holt International. I first heard about it last week at the Newsong/Newsboys Very Merry Christmas Tour concert. Holt is a Christian international adoption organization. I know what you're thinking, "Why the heck are you telling me about this? I can't adopt a child!" Well, neither can I, but there is another way to help.
You have the opportunity to sponsor a child who desperately needs your help. These children are either orphaned or have been given away by their parents in poor countries. Holt steps in to help these children to get adopted, but they still need help while they wait for a forever family. For just one dollar each day, you can help provide a child with "food, shelter, clothing, medical treatment, and attentive care." Not just any child though, you get to chose a child (or more than one if you want). Once the child is adopted, your sponsorship is over, but you get the amazing feeling of knowing that you helped care for your child until he or she was adopted.
I became a sponsor at that concert. My little girl is named Nominerdene. She is a six year old from Mongolia who loved music and singing. There is a lot of poverty in Mongolia so a lot of parents are abondoning their children. Holt International went in in 1999 and set up the Rainbow Baby Care Unit to help homeless children. They try to stabalize the children's birth homes so the children can be with their biological families, but when that can't happen, Holt works to find a family to adopt.
I am so thrilled to be able to sponsor this beautiful little girl and help her continue to sing. If you want to adopt, sponsor, or just want more informmation, go to www.holtinternational.org and look around. I hope this post can help more children to find sponsors.
Lots of love in the holiday season,
Brittany
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Things I Love Thursday
I'm feeling very Gala Darling today aka very grateful for all the things in life so I thought I'd do a TiLT today! Here are things I love today:
In 15 days, I'll be going to Disney World for a week long vacation with my family!
I got Taylor Swift's new album and love it as always. I'm listening to it right now.
I did 8 loads of laundry yesterday and no longer have a closet floor full of clothes.
I made a new friend named Austin who I am excited to meet and hang out with next semester.
I registered for classes this morning and actually got into every class I wanted/needed.
I went to the high school football playoff game with my favorite band kids and was joined by 3 of my fellow 09 bandies. Here's how cool we are.
I know. Pretty awesome huh? It was so fun to play together again.
I have been kicking butt at school and found out one of my instructors was going to recommend me for a scholarship to SIU! Too bad I'm not going there.
I'm moving back to SEMO next semester and am super excited to get a fresh start.
I thought I lost my debit card and keys earlier and finally found them. Feeling of relief=awesome!
When we give my yorkie a treat, instead of eating it, she hides it. We find them everywhere, especially in laundry baskets so we give them back to her so she can hide them again. Eventually, she eats them.
Liking ridiculous pages on facebook.
Being super productive!
The random text messages I get from my dear friends that make me smile.
Being complimented on my voice (instead of being told I'm so bad that the person punched their grandmother. real classy).
Having facebook conversations entirely made up of old band jokes on the director's status with the people sitting right next to me.
Anticipation of something I can't tell you about yet but will soon.
Taking pictures of everything.
Realizing that I have more clothes than my closet and dresser can handle.
Getting the message that adult bell choir is starting up this weekend!
YOU :-)
Handing out candy to trick or treaters with my bestest friend in awesome gangsta outfits.
And finally, for said bestest friend, Christmas is in 51 days.
That's all for now. Hope you have lots of things you love today. :-)
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Are you bored?
It occured to me yesterday on my way home from the competition (more on that in another post), that when I get bored (or am about to go to sleep), I have a bunch of websites I go to to keep me amused. I thought I would share them with you in case you ever get bored either. Bonus: All these sites are accessible on your phone too if you have internet access. Here you go.
www.fmylife.com because sometimes it's necessary to laugh at the misfortunes of others.
www.textsfromlastnight.com is fantastic if you enjoy how stupid people can get when they're drunk.
www.mylifeisaverage.com is full of above average stories that are just awesome.
www.givesmehope.com are super sweet happy stories that make you smile.
www.lovegivesmehope.com is just like the last one, but love stories. How can you resist?
www.notalwaysright.com proves that the customer is sometimes not only wrong, but an idiot too.
www.deargirlssaboveme.com is a guy's blog of letters to the stupid girls who live above him. Good for those who really enjoy sarcasm like I do.
And if you're looking for ringtones, wallpapers, etc for your phone, try www.myxer.com. I use it and love it. Some of them you have to pay for, but you can find almost anything for free.
www.fmylife.com because sometimes it's necessary to laugh at the misfortunes of others.
www.textsfromlastnight.com is fantastic if you enjoy how stupid people can get when they're drunk.
www.mylifeisaverage.com is full of above average stories that are just awesome.
www.givesmehope.com are super sweet happy stories that make you smile.
www.lovegivesmehope.com is just like the last one, but love stories. How can you resist?
www.notalwaysright.com proves that the customer is sometimes not only wrong, but an idiot too.
www.deargirlssaboveme.com is a guy's blog of letters to the stupid girls who live above him. Good for those who really enjoy sarcasm like I do.
And if you're looking for ringtones, wallpapers, etc for your phone, try www.myxer.com. I use it and love it. Some of them you have to pay for, but you can find almost anything for free.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
My Highest Strength
Hello everybody. I hope the new semester is treating you well. It's keeping me super busy! Anyways, one of my classes is Lifestyle Enhancement, and I had to write a paper about my highest strength. I went to Facebook wondering what that strength for me could possibly be. Thanks to those of you who responded. Reading what you had to say made me smile a whole lot. I wrote the paper today (and almost doubled what the word count was supposed to be at but oh well) and want to share it with you all. If you've read my posts before, you already know the story, but I want to share it anyways. Here it is:
The Aftermath of Depression: My Highest Strength
At first, I had no idea what my highest strength could possibly be so I asked my friends. Most of the responses I got said I am really thoughtful. While I appreciate that my friends see how much I care, the response that really hit me is my positive attitude. I love life and try to be positive about every situation, but I have not always been like this.
A week into my freshman year of high school, I went from a happy young girl excited about starting high school to a quiet, sad young girl who wanted nothing but to lay in bed and sleep all day. People thought I was just having problems adjusting. Finally, in October, when the problem still hadn’t gone away, my parents took me to a doctor. He diagnosed me with clinical depression. I began taking medication and started feeling like my old self again. As a sophomore, I stopped taking them and did fine until last year.
In November 2010, I was a freshman at Southeast. A bad breakup started a long line of bad luck. I started skipping classes and sleeping more. I barely left my room and spent a lot of time alone. In March, I moved home and commuted an hour each way to SEMO three days a week. I got to the point of wanting to drop out of school (which was strange for me because I had always been a top student). I stuck it out until the end of the semester but still wasn’t feeling any better. I knew the depression was back, but this time, it was affecting every aspect of my life instead of just my mood.
I went to the doctor in June and answered a never-ending list of questions (some of which had nothing to do with my problem at all). After an hour of what I thought was ridiculous questioning, she told me my depression was back (to which I thought “well duh”) and prescribed me the same medication was on before. Soon enough, I was back to me. That six months between the onset and treatment of my depression taught me a lesson. I know what it’s like to feel like you can’t get any lower. I know the feeling of wanting to give up. I also know what it’s like to overcome that, to rise up and be on top of the world.
That’s where I am right now. I’m a full time student without having any debt to worry about. I have a guaranteed job that I enjoy. I have the best family and friends I could possibly ask for, and I have this fantastic feeling of accomplishment knowing that I overcame the impossible.
I’ve learned to appreciate my life because I know how fortunate I am to be living it. When my friends start complaining about something, I am always willing to listen and sympathize, but I also make sure to remind them their situation will not last forever and that it could be much worse. I smile 90% of the time, hug people whenever I get the chance, and tell people I love them way too much. Since I adopted my positive policy, my life has gotten infinitely better, and I encourage everybody to try it.
The Aftermath of Depression: My Highest Strength
At first, I had no idea what my highest strength could possibly be so I asked my friends. Most of the responses I got said I am really thoughtful. While I appreciate that my friends see how much I care, the response that really hit me is my positive attitude. I love life and try to be positive about every situation, but I have not always been like this.
A week into my freshman year of high school, I went from a happy young girl excited about starting high school to a quiet, sad young girl who wanted nothing but to lay in bed and sleep all day. People thought I was just having problems adjusting. Finally, in October, when the problem still hadn’t gone away, my parents took me to a doctor. He diagnosed me with clinical depression. I began taking medication and started feeling like my old self again. As a sophomore, I stopped taking them and did fine until last year.
In November 2010, I was a freshman at Southeast. A bad breakup started a long line of bad luck. I started skipping classes and sleeping more. I barely left my room and spent a lot of time alone. In March, I moved home and commuted an hour each way to SEMO three days a week. I got to the point of wanting to drop out of school (which was strange for me because I had always been a top student). I stuck it out until the end of the semester but still wasn’t feeling any better. I knew the depression was back, but this time, it was affecting every aspect of my life instead of just my mood.
I went to the doctor in June and answered a never-ending list of questions (some of which had nothing to do with my problem at all). After an hour of what I thought was ridiculous questioning, she told me my depression was back (to which I thought “well duh”) and prescribed me the same medication was on before. Soon enough, I was back to me. That six months between the onset and treatment of my depression taught me a lesson. I know what it’s like to feel like you can’t get any lower. I know the feeling of wanting to give up. I also know what it’s like to overcome that, to rise up and be on top of the world.
That’s where I am right now. I’m a full time student without having any debt to worry about. I have a guaranteed job that I enjoy. I have the best family and friends I could possibly ask for, and I have this fantastic feeling of accomplishment knowing that I overcame the impossible.
I’ve learned to appreciate my life because I know how fortunate I am to be living it. When my friends start complaining about something, I am always willing to listen and sympathize, but I also make sure to remind them their situation will not last forever and that it could be much worse. I smile 90% of the time, hug people whenever I get the chance, and tell people I love them way too much. Since I adopted my positive policy, my life has gotten infinitely better, and I encourage everybody to try it.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Back to School
All the local schools have started back up within the last few weeks. It's been weird to see various friends moving back to college while I'm still at home on break. Well, that break is over now. School starts tomorrow.
I'm taking on a heavy load this semester. Not only am I full time at Southeast, but I'm also taking classes at the local community college. I'm really looking forward to those classes and meeting some new people. I'm definitely going to be busy and stressed, but I'm hoping if I keep super organized, it will help a lot.
I'm off to go get all cleaned up and ready to start classes tomorrow. Wish me luck!
Love,
Brittany
I'm taking on a heavy load this semester. Not only am I full time at Southeast, but I'm also taking classes at the local community college. I'm really looking forward to those classes and meeting some new people. I'm definitely going to be busy and stressed, but I'm hoping if I keep super organized, it will help a lot.
I'm off to go get all cleaned up and ready to start classes tomorrow. Wish me luck!
Love,
Brittany
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
What ever happened to how things used to be?
When I say this, I don't mean everything. For example, I'm super glad we're not still wearing this...
And that modern technology doesn't look like this...
But there is something I really wish could go back in time a little...
No, not making out in public with people we don't know. That certainly hasn't died out. I mean dating how it used to be.
What happened to getting to know somebody, going on a 1st date, 2nd date... THEN officially becoming a couple? I would love for a guy I like to ask me on a real date. Anymore, it's just "Hey there. I like you. You like me. We're dating." Facebook official. Done.
Sure it's convenient... but seriously, it's kind of lame. People are in and out of "relationships" so fast it's sickening. If we went back to the method I like, it would dramatically decrease the number of changes to everybody's "relationship status" so we don't all have to see it in our news feeds every 3 days.
(If you find yourself doing this, please for the sake of your friends, reevaluate your approach to dating.)
Think about it. Let me know what you think. I'll be hoping my way of dating comes back in style (unlike that dress).
Now I just need to find that guy. I'll let you know when he shows up. :-)
Have a lovely night and a beautiful tomorrow.
Brittany
And that modern technology doesn't look like this...
But there is something I really wish could go back in time a little...
No, not making out in public with people we don't know. That certainly hasn't died out. I mean dating how it used to be.
What happened to getting to know somebody, going on a 1st date, 2nd date... THEN officially becoming a couple? I would love for a guy I like to ask me on a real date. Anymore, it's just "Hey there. I like you. You like me. We're dating." Facebook official. Done.
Sure it's convenient... but seriously, it's kind of lame. People are in and out of "relationships" so fast it's sickening. If we went back to the method I like, it would dramatically decrease the number of changes to everybody's "relationship status" so we don't all have to see it in our news feeds every 3 days.
(If you find yourself doing this, please for the sake of your friends, reevaluate your approach to dating.)
Think about it. Let me know what you think. I'll be hoping my way of dating comes back in style (unlike that dress).
Now I just need to find that guy. I'll let you know when he shows up. :-)
Have a lovely night and a beautiful tomorrow.
Brittany
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Starting the Week Off Well
I've found that in order to have a good week, it really helps to have a really awesome attitude on Sunday. So since I didn't do a Things I Love last week (heck, I was barely here due to finals week), I thought I would do one today to get a good start to this week.
I'm officially on summer vacation! That's right. I have 2 whole weeks of no homework, no boring reading, and no tests to study for. Of course, I'll just fill the time with more work and racing stuff, but that's a heck of a lot better than all of that on top of school.
I pulled straight A's this semester! 10 credit hours of A's for me. Thank goodness. My scholarship is staying with me for at least another year. You have no idea how nervous I was about it, but now I get to relax and not think about it all the time.
This is just really pretty so I thought I'd share it with you.If you're a Taylor Swift fan like I am, you'll love this medley of her songs. It's awesome!
While I'm on medleys (I had a slight obsession with them a few days ago), here's one of Miley Cyrus songs. I usually don't listen to her unless there's a church camp dance party involved or I'm dancing in my car, but this is really well done and a lot of fun to listen to.
I went racing on Friday, which was AWESOME! Well, except for that whole thing where the car broke, but other than that it was awesome! I had a good time and was really happy to be back at the track. We've already diagnosed what we think is the problem and will fix it this week. No big deal.
The countdown to Disney is down to 103 days. Who wouldn't be happy about that? And I've done some shopping and gotten some nice stuff for work and vacation.
I hope you all have a fantastic week. Embrace who you are and share it with the world!
Love you!
Brittany
Thursday, August 5, 2010
SUMMER VACATION! (for now)
I'm officially on break from school! Woot! Sadly, I go back in just a few weeks. This week has had me super busy with finals and work so I haven't had time to post. Sorry! Here's a bunch of awesome stuff for you to make up for it. :-) 
That's all I've got for now. I'll come up with more stuff later now that I have more free time. Love you all.
-Brittany
Friday, July 30, 2010
Happy Things For a Not-So Happy Day
Today was a rough day. I had to work all day. I got stung by a wasp when I got the paper (the paper that I don't even read) as I was checking the mail (which wasn't even here yet). Then I had to go run errands and almost got lost in Carbondale. I was stopped by 2 trains (for a total of 4 this week) on my way back. The truck isn't fixed yet so no racing again. Oh, and I have three tests tomorrow thanks to that lovely thing known as finals week. Plus my Netflix movie isn't in yet so I don't get to watch that tonight as I lay in bed away from my race track. So given this series of unfortunate events, I'm going to share a bunch of ridiculous happy things with you just in case you're sharing in my misery. Enjoy.
Because who doesn't love a baby in a basket?
First of all, watch this. My inner child (the part of me who is still 8 years old) smiles a lot during this video. Thank you Straight No Chaser for being amazing.
Because who doesn't love a baby in a basket?Speaking of babies and youtube, go search for babies laughing on there. It sounds a little ridiculous, but it's so worth it if you need a smile.
"She was a girl who knew how to be happy even when she was sad. And that's important-you know." -Marilyn Monroe (again, brilliant)
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Lovely Internet Things
*Image courtesy of WeHeartIt*
I guess you could say this is a combination of Things I Love and a link compliation because when I find a webpage worth sharing, I pretty much have to love it. So this is just a big pile of wonderfulness. Enjoy.
Sally McGraw wrote up Ways To Celebrate Your Today-Body, and I think it's awesome. We should definitely do this more often. I think I'll be coming up with my own list of awesome ways to love myself as well. You should too!
Can you say GENIUS! I had never thought to try this nifty little DIY, but I definitely will now.
Oh, I don't think I've mentioned this yet. In November, I'm going to see this lovely couple. :-) So excited!!!!!
My youngest cousin has never been so it's going to be great to see her reaction to being in the happiest place on earth.Just for my friend melbw, I quite love the following...
Denny Hamlin, Joey Logano, Colin Braun, Trevor Bayne, and Carl Edwards
Who knew there was so much adorable in NASCAR (plus Carl just for Melissa).
I also love that for lunch today, I ate Dairy Queen Snickers Ice Cream Cake. It was yummy.
"Imperfection is beauty, beauty is madness and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring." -Marilyn Monroe
I found this through Gala Darling. It is seriously amazing. Go to it and add a comment. You'll feel a million times better about life afterwards.
Speaking of Gala, I first stumbled upon her website because of her article on Putting Light Back Into Your Heart. It's seriously awesome. Actually, It's pretty similar to the first article I linked to up there (the basic concept of it).
In another post, I mentioned something about not being able to do what you love but being able to love what you do. I found it! Read this.
Oh and here's my list of Things I Love that I apparently wrote last week:
Laying on the sidewalk in the beautiful weather writing
Long talks with friends
Netflix movies
Realizing how great my family and friends are
Having colorful paper and crayons in my purse
Vacation planning
Sleeping in
Hugs
Sitting on a bench with my best friend, lemonade, Twix, and Tropical Skittles
Online window shopping
Finally getting a legitimate paycheck and feeling financially secure
Not having to go to class
Singing at the top of my lungs with a bunch of awesome people
Coloring books
Wow. That's a lot of love. What are you currently in love with? Let me now!
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
What I Did Today :-)
I just got back to the office after getting my hair cut, and I must say, I think it looks fabulous! I've never had it this short before, but I absolutely love it. Here's a horrible picture of me just so you can see how short it is.
It doesn't even touch my shoulders anymore. Oh goodness. I was inspired by my cousin who got hers all chopped off not too long ago. I had her send me a picture of herself to show to my hairdresser, and this is what happened. I love it for the hot summer temperatures we've been having. After this, I'll probably let it grow out for a while. There's definitely advantages of having long hair that I love, but my hair takes forever to grow. Oh well. For now, I'm happy with the low maintenence of what I have.
It doesn't even touch my shoulders anymore. Oh goodness. I was inspired by my cousin who got hers all chopped off not too long ago. I had her send me a picture of herself to show to my hairdresser, and this is what happened. I love it for the hot summer temperatures we've been having. After this, I'll probably let it grow out for a while. There's definitely advantages of having long hair that I love, but my hair takes forever to grow. Oh well. For now, I'm happy with the low maintenence of what I have.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Battling the Monday Blues
It's Monday again. Most of the time Monday is associated with the end of a relaxing weekend or the beginning of another long work week. It's easy to dread this day every week because we're the farthest we can get from the weekend. Instead of feeling down about how far away Friday night is, let's perk up with some inspiring pictures via http://www.weheartit.com/.
Simplicity. Summertime. This just makes me relax. I figure this lovely little flower is probably in the corner of some kind of railing, but when I saw it, I immediately thought it was a cross. So to me, this is a reminder to be grateful we've been given today (even if it's Monday) because we don't know how many we have left.
Bam! If this doesn't get you inspired to get rid of negativity in your life, I'm not sure what will. Get on it!
I'm a dancer so I love this. It's beautiful! I want to do this before the summer ends. :-)
I used to be afraid of everything. I'm a little more adventurous now, but I'm still hesitant about trying something if I don't know exactly what's going to happen. This can definitely put a damper on things. Instead of being afraid, why not be curious about it and go for it? You can experience a lot more in life this way. You only have one life, you might as well get the most out of it.
This reminds me of something I once heard. "You're always living the life you create. If you don't like your life, create something better." That's probably not exact, and I can't remember the author, but I'll find out and let you know soon.
Simplicity. Summertime. This just makes me relax. I figure this lovely little flower is probably in the corner of some kind of railing, but when I saw it, I immediately thought it was a cross. So to me, this is a reminder to be grateful we've been given today (even if it's Monday) because we don't know how many we have left.
Bam! If this doesn't get you inspired to get rid of negativity in your life, I'm not sure what will. Get on it!
I'm a dancer so I love this. It's beautiful! I want to do this before the summer ends. :-)
I used to be afraid of everything. I'm a little more adventurous now, but I'm still hesitant about trying something if I don't know exactly what's going to happen. This can definitely put a damper on things. Instead of being afraid, why not be curious about it and go for it? You can experience a lot more in life this way. You only have one life, you might as well get the most out of it.
This reminds me of something I once heard. "You're always living the life you create. If you don't like your life, create something better." That's probably not exact, and I can't remember the author, but I'll find out and let you know soon.
I hope you're feeling a little more optimistic about today. Now go out and conquer the world!
Love as always,
Brittany
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Inspired
Yesterday, while I was in the office "working" I went to GalaDarling'sWebsite to see her wonderful weekly list of great links. There's always a bunch of great stuff on there so I make sure to check it out every Friday (you should too). Anyways, I ended up somehow on her Facebook page. In the discussions there is a thread of lovely ladies and their blogs. I looked through them and found some great ones that I'm not following. As I was reading through those, I found some other great, inspiring websites. I loved it. They really helped me out with my attempts at being upbeat and positive about life.
One article mentioned wearing an elastic band on your wrist and switching it to the other wrist every time you catch yourself thinking negatively. It makes you more aware of your thought patterns. I have a basic rubber band (that I intend on coloring) since I was in the office. Just seeing it there reminds me to think positively. I only switched it twice yesterday which I think is awesome.
Another website (which I think I found through Gala) said "We can't always do what we love, but we are free to love what we do." BRILLIANT! I had never thought of that before. It's now on a sticky note attached to my supplies holder so I can see it whenever I'm working. It's wonderful how a concept as simple as that can completely blow your mind. Love it!
I've decided I'm going to use this blog to track my journey to being more positive and inspiring. I want to help people out just like those other blogs and articles have helped me. Maybe this can turn into something more than a place for me to just write whatever pops into my head. Wouldn't that be awesome?
I'm off to accomplish things so I don't feel like a total bum today (after sleeping until after 10. oops). Do something wonderful today!
Love,
Brittany
One article mentioned wearing an elastic band on your wrist and switching it to the other wrist every time you catch yourself thinking negatively. It makes you more aware of your thought patterns. I have a basic rubber band (that I intend on coloring) since I was in the office. Just seeing it there reminds me to think positively. I only switched it twice yesterday which I think is awesome.
Another website (which I think I found through Gala) said "We can't always do what we love, but we are free to love what we do." BRILLIANT! I had never thought of that before. It's now on a sticky note attached to my supplies holder so I can see it whenever I'm working. It's wonderful how a concept as simple as that can completely blow your mind. Love it!
I've decided I'm going to use this blog to track my journey to being more positive and inspiring. I want to help people out just like those other blogs and articles have helped me. Maybe this can turn into something more than a place for me to just write whatever pops into my head. Wouldn't that be awesome?
I'm off to accomplish things so I don't feel like a total bum today (after sleeping until after 10. oops). Do something wonderful today!
Love,
Brittany
Monday, June 28, 2010
I'm Exactly Who I'm Supposed to Be
Every once in a while I venture onto the message boards for magazines like Seventeen and Glamour just to see what the hot topics are. One thing never ceases to amaze me when I do this. The "health" and "beauty" boards are full of questions about dieting, extreme weight loss, and basically how to look "hotter." This is so ridiculous. I just saw a question about how to drop 50 pounds like it's nothing. That doesn't happen! Plus, it's terribly dangerous to drop that kind of weight quickly. Another question asked how to get leaner and taller. I can understand wanting to be leaner. It's healthy (to a point), but why in the world would you ask how to get taller? You can't do anything to control your height. God made you the way He wants you to be. You are absolutely perfect. Why are girls so obsessive with how to improve their looks? Yes, I'm guilty of it as well, but I'm learning to be happy with who I am and to love myself. Nothing is going to change that.
"I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
-Marilyn Monroe
Can I just say that this woman was full of wonderful quotes? I went to a site searching for the quote above and found tons of great ones. She knew who she was and loved herself for it. Why can't we all do that?
"I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
-Marilyn Monroe
Can I just say that this woman was full of wonderful quotes? I went to a site searching for the quote above and found tons of great ones. She knew who she was and loved herself for it. Why can't we all do that?
Friday, June 4, 2010
My Pursuit of Happiness
Hello friends. I want to start out by thanking those of you who read my last post. I know it was pretty intense, but I really felt that I needed to share it with people. This has been a very stressful time in my life and I really appreciate those of you who kept me in your thoughts. I am very lucky to have friends who truly care about me and want me to get better, and that is exactly what I plan on doing.
I talked about depression in my last post. I gave you all my version of it and talked about how I was feeling it again. I went to the psychiatrist Wednesday in hopes of getting some help. The woman was really nice and asked me a lot of questions (some of which had nothing to do with the subject). I was pretty cranky after waiting for well over an hour for a 30 minute appointment, but I managed to remain pleasant through all the goofy questions. (ex. Why are you here? Um... did you not read the paperwork I just spent half an hour filling out?) Anyways, we got everything figured out, and I'm on the road to recovery.
I'm taking advantage of the situation as a sort of reinvention for myself. Depression has taken hold of me and sucked the life out of me. When I look in the mirror, I don't recognize myself. I don't like the person I've become so I'm doing something about it. I'm going to be the person I want to be when I overcome this obstacle. I have spent enough time looking at depression as something bad. I know I don't like it. We all know that. I have to look at it as an opportunity to improve myself and finally be happy. It won't happen overnight. It won't happen next week. I don't know how long it will take, but I am ready for it to happen.
As for now, I'm still getting adjusted to things. I've been sick for the last few days so things aren't perfect yet, but that's ok. I'm really trying to stay positive about life right now. I know I don't have a bad life. I'm not saying that. It's just been hard lately. But everybody has times like this. Everybody has those days when they want to throw in the towel and go back to bed. We can't focus on those days. We have to focus on the positive. It's not realistic to say I'm never going to have a bad day or complain about anything, but I really want to get better about it. I don't like myself right now so I'm going to do something about it.
Again, I really appreciate those of you who have read my posts, given me some fantastic advice, kept me in their thoughts, or even just listened. I have some wonderful people who have stood by me through everything, and I don't know where I would be without them. I'm fixing some relationships with some really great people too. Things are finally starting to look up. :-)
For now, I'm super tired. Sleep hasn't come easily lately and I only got a few hours of it last night (race cars take a lot of work). I've also been getting over being sick so I'm going to sign off for now. Thanks for reading. Love you all. :-)
I talked about depression in my last post. I gave you all my version of it and talked about how I was feeling it again. I went to the psychiatrist Wednesday in hopes of getting some help. The woman was really nice and asked me a lot of questions (some of which had nothing to do with the subject). I was pretty cranky after waiting for well over an hour for a 30 minute appointment, but I managed to remain pleasant through all the goofy questions. (ex. Why are you here? Um... did you not read the paperwork I just spent half an hour filling out?) Anyways, we got everything figured out, and I'm on the road to recovery.
I'm taking advantage of the situation as a sort of reinvention for myself. Depression has taken hold of me and sucked the life out of me. When I look in the mirror, I don't recognize myself. I don't like the person I've become so I'm doing something about it. I'm going to be the person I want to be when I overcome this obstacle. I have spent enough time looking at depression as something bad. I know I don't like it. We all know that. I have to look at it as an opportunity to improve myself and finally be happy. It won't happen overnight. It won't happen next week. I don't know how long it will take, but I am ready for it to happen.
As for now, I'm still getting adjusted to things. I've been sick for the last few days so things aren't perfect yet, but that's ok. I'm really trying to stay positive about life right now. I know I don't have a bad life. I'm not saying that. It's just been hard lately. But everybody has times like this. Everybody has those days when they want to throw in the towel and go back to bed. We can't focus on those days. We have to focus on the positive. It's not realistic to say I'm never going to have a bad day or complain about anything, but I really want to get better about it. I don't like myself right now so I'm going to do something about it.
Again, I really appreciate those of you who have read my posts, given me some fantastic advice, kept me in their thoughts, or even just listened. I have some wonderful people who have stood by me through everything, and I don't know where I would be without them. I'm fixing some relationships with some really great people too. Things are finally starting to look up. :-)
For now, I'm super tired. Sleep hasn't come easily lately and I only got a few hours of it last night (race cars take a lot of work). I've also been getting over being sick so I'm going to sign off for now. Thanks for reading. Love you all. :-)
Thursday, May 27, 2010
This is Me
Some of you may be curious as to what's been going on with me lately. I know I've been a little crazy for a little while. I thought it would help to just write everything out and let you all get an inside look into my brain to hopefully better understand me.
First, you need some background information if you haven't been a really good friend of mine for more than 5 years. I was diagnosed with clinical depression in the Fall of 2005. I'm not looking for sympathy at all. I just really think you should know this in order to understand me and why I say and do things. If you've had real depression, you already understand exactly how I feel. If you haven't, please don't say you know what it's like. I used to think I could sympathise, but I was wrong. With depression, you don't necessarily feel sad or "depressed" like when somebody just has a bad day. I don't even think it should be called depression. That gives people the wrong idea about it. You don't feel sad because you simply don't feel. It's like everything goes numb, and you're completely empty. It's kind of like how you don't really think about having arms or legs because that's just how it is. They're always there. It's not something new. When you get a headache, you notice it, but you don't notice a lack of a headache because that's normal. The pain, loneliness, and hopelessness become normal. They don't go away so you accept them as a part of life. Eventually, everything goes numb. You can't have the ability to feel because all you would feel is pain. In depression, you learn not to care about anything. Don't get your hopes up because you'll only end up being disappointed. When everything goes crashing down around you, it's not a surprise. Sleep becomes your best friend because when you're asleep, you forget about how bad everything is. It's the closest thing you have to your old life and happiness. I love bedtime because it means I'll be ok for a little while. And those first moments when I wake up are wonderful because none of the bad things have hit me yet. It takes me a little bit to become fully aware of the world when I wake up, and I'm thankful for that because that's my bliss. I was prescribed medicine for depression in 2005. I took it for a year and a half and stopped taking it. Depressive episodes typically last 6 months to a year. Once you have one, you have a 50/50 chance of having another one in the future. Once you have another one, you're stuck with them for life. I was hoping it wouldn't happen to me again, but I know it has. I try to hide it when I can. I'm typically pretty good at it, but I slip up sometimes and lose it. Some of you have seen that part of me. Some of you haven't, but that doesn't mean it won't happen. Now you have more of an inside look, but you still don't fully understand what it's like unless you've been through it yourself. I don't mean that to sound bad towards anybody. That's just how it is.
I am a very emotional person. People have to watch what they say to me because I can take something the wrong way pretty easily and get really offended. I guess you could say I'm always in defensive mode. I tend to assume the worst in a situation. I really don't mean to, that's just how I'm wired. I also cry super easily. Sometimes it's because I'm offended. Sometimes it's from stress. Sometimes it's from thinking about a past situation. Sometimes I have no clue why.
I also got picked on through school based mostly on my appearance. I'm not going to get into specifics. You can probably figure that out for yourself. I've never been confident in my looks because of that. I have a pretty strong personality if you didn't know. My family jokes that I should be a lawyer because I can argue about anything. I'm also pretty smart. I've always done well in school and despite what some people seem to think, I actually have some common sense. No, I don't know everything. If I don't know something, I'll go insane asking questions until I figure it out. My intelligence is something nobody has been able to make fun of. When I know I'm right about something, I'll get into it with somebody until they give up or accept that they're wrong. This can cause problems. Combine how I interpret things differently from how they're meant with my need to prove myself right and it can get nasty.
So now you know me from my own point of view. Now you probably want to know what's been happening.
Everything started going bad just over six months ago. My relationship ended out of nowhere and a lot of things happened that I felt were purposely done to hurt me more. I had to completely remove my exboyfriend from my life just to keep from doing something really stupid. I deleted him from my phone, facebook, myspace, and anything else I could think of. The person I had spent everyday with since moving to school had to stop existing to me. Unfortunately, my friends were also his friends. I didn't want to lose them, but because I couldn't let myself be around him, that's how things worked out. I was really hurt and really alone. I started skipping a lot of my classes because he was in them and I didn't care enough to bother going. I laid in bed a lot. I lost my appetite. I actually went for three days on one brownie. I can't eat when I'm deeply upset by something so I just don't. I spent almost every bit of my time in my room, only leaving for class, and eventually to get food after about a week and a half. I ate by myself in my room. I couldn't bring myself to do anything because nothing interested me. My parents came down and I went back on medicine (I was prescribed medicine to help with the depression). That didn't seem to help so I gave up on it. I wanted to go home, but I stuck it out through the end of the semester and went home for Christmas break.
My winter break was great. I got to spend time with my friends from home. One friend and I got a lot closer than we had been which was great. I learned a lot working with my dad and uncle in the office. I was finally starting to feel better. I didn't feel quite as awful. There were still times when I just wanted to run away from the world, but they weren't happening as often as before. I was determined that things would be better because I could start fresh at the beginning of the semester.
I was wrong. I went back to school in late January and spent one night with friends. Just one. We watched a movie. I went to lunch with them twice and that was the end of my social life there. I spent another month there feeling horrible, but nobody seemed to care enough to try to help. I sat in my room doing homework. I ate by myself. I went home every weekend because I didn't have anything to do at school since nobody wanted to hang out with me anymore. The last weekend of February, I was back home and spent the weekend with some of my closest friends. I decided Sunday night that I didn't want to go back.
The next morning, I cried nonstop because I had to go back to school. I told my mom that I wanted to drop out because I was so horribly miserable there. I was finally forced to go down there and told to come back home after class. We decided it would be best if I lived at home and drove to school. I had to drive to SEMO and back 27 times. I drove 130 miles 27 times (and I hate driving if you didn't know) just to avoid being there as much as possible. I did ok and finally got through the end of the semester. Goodbye SEMO. Never again will I make the mistake of living there.
You'd think that with school being out for a little while, I'd be a lot happier. I thought so too. Well, this summer has been absolutely horrible. I found out that my GPA for the year was only a 3.419. This is pretty good except that I am in danger of losing my scholarship because I didn't average a 3.5 due to horrible teachers who can't teach worth anything. Now, instead of just taking 4 credit hours to get my math class done this summer, I'm taking 10. Six of these are through SEMO. I have to get A's in both classes or I lose about $30,000 worth of scholarship money. I'm pretty disappointed with myself over that. Then, I got stuck with trying to get all the parts to put together the racecar. I should be thrilled since we quit racing 5 years ago. I'm glad we're racing again, but I'm really stressed over this because I don't know much about the car or what I'm ordering. It's coming together, but I'm slightly freaked out that I screwed something up. I'm also working for our contracting company which takes a lot of time and yelling, but none of that has put me over the edge yet.
My most recent problem (the straw that broke the camel's back I suppose) is with a friend of mine. This friend has always been very important to me. He has helped me through a lot of problems. He is completely honest with me when others won't be. He's always there for me when I needed help. This friend has been a true friend to me since we met. Well, he used to be. Lately, this friend has basically treated me like crap. He typically only speaks to me to yell at me or if he wants something. If I speak to him, ask him a question, or say something in general while he's there, I suddenly become the most annoying person to ever exist. He has been taking advantage of me and my loyalty to our friendship for the last month or so. Now, he yells at me for everything and has formed a lovely habit of informing me that I'm stupid. I admit that I'm no genius, but I am certainly not stupid. He says things like this to make me feel even worse about myself. He knows my self-esteem is really bad and that I put a lot of emphasis on what others think of me, but he insults me anyways. My intelligence is the only thing I've ever been confident in so calling me stupid on a regular basis really hits home for me. He fights with me over everything even if I haven't done anything wrong. I finally confronted him about it and told him to stop picking fights. I thought we were ok after that.
Again, I was wrong. Less than a week later, after being constantly ignored, I finally asked him what in the world I did to him to deserve being treated like this. Of course, I got screamed at via text message. He tried to turn everything around to be on me. I didn't know that seeing somebody twice a week because of a common activity was always being around. I didn't know that treating somebody with respect and helping them out when I can (just like I do for all my friends) was trying to act like somebody's girlfriend. I also make things way too complicated by analyzing situations and trying to figure out what's going on in my life. I had no idea I was such a horrible person. Oh, and I'm the one who makes everything into a fight. Explaining myself and calling people out on how they treat me is making everything into a fight. And even better, me getting myself out of the situation and separating myself from him except once a week when we have to be in the same building is a self pity routine. If you all were aware of this, I wish you would have told me because I sure as heck didn't know.
So here's what I did. I deleted his number from my phone and I kicked him off my facebook friends list. I know. You're probably wondering why that's even a big deal. Well, it prevents me from texting him (even though I know his number, it's harder to contact him if he's not in my address book) and I don't have to see him on my news feed. This makes him as non-existent to me as possible right now. You probably think I'm overdramatizing the situation, but I've found that doing those things is a great thing for me. Getting away from the situation as much as possible is how I deal with emotionally stressful situations like this. I don't want it to be forever. It just has to happen like this until we've both had a chance to cool down and stop wanting to kill each other.
This doesn't mean I'm happy with the situation. I hate it, but I think it's necessary. I can't be around someone who is so mad at me that he resorts to attacking my emotions knowing it will hurt me. He needs to be away from me because that's what he seems to want. I need to be away from him because of everything I just told you. It probably won't last long, but I don't think I have a choice right now.
I hope you have a better understanding of how I've been acting lately. I know, it can get pretty frustrating. I don't mean to be a pain. I just don't know how else to act. If you've managed to read all of this, thank you. I know it's a lot, but you reading this tells me that you care about me. For that, I appreciate you. Let me know that you've read it. If you're curious about something, ask me. If you have any words of wisdom, I'd love to hear it. If you think I'm just crazy, let me know. I've had much worse said about me. I'm really curious about your opinions of everything. This is the first time I've even told anybody about this blog. Compared to this post, the rest of it is trash. I love to write though and want to start sharing my thoughts with you if you'd like to hear them. So again, thank you for reading this. :-)
First, you need some background information if you haven't been a really good friend of mine for more than 5 years. I was diagnosed with clinical depression in the Fall of 2005. I'm not looking for sympathy at all. I just really think you should know this in order to understand me and why I say and do things. If you've had real depression, you already understand exactly how I feel. If you haven't, please don't say you know what it's like. I used to think I could sympathise, but I was wrong. With depression, you don't necessarily feel sad or "depressed" like when somebody just has a bad day. I don't even think it should be called depression. That gives people the wrong idea about it. You don't feel sad because you simply don't feel. It's like everything goes numb, and you're completely empty. It's kind of like how you don't really think about having arms or legs because that's just how it is. They're always there. It's not something new. When you get a headache, you notice it, but you don't notice a lack of a headache because that's normal. The pain, loneliness, and hopelessness become normal. They don't go away so you accept them as a part of life. Eventually, everything goes numb. You can't have the ability to feel because all you would feel is pain. In depression, you learn not to care about anything. Don't get your hopes up because you'll only end up being disappointed. When everything goes crashing down around you, it's not a surprise. Sleep becomes your best friend because when you're asleep, you forget about how bad everything is. It's the closest thing you have to your old life and happiness. I love bedtime because it means I'll be ok for a little while. And those first moments when I wake up are wonderful because none of the bad things have hit me yet. It takes me a little bit to become fully aware of the world when I wake up, and I'm thankful for that because that's my bliss. I was prescribed medicine for depression in 2005. I took it for a year and a half and stopped taking it. Depressive episodes typically last 6 months to a year. Once you have one, you have a 50/50 chance of having another one in the future. Once you have another one, you're stuck with them for life. I was hoping it wouldn't happen to me again, but I know it has. I try to hide it when I can. I'm typically pretty good at it, but I slip up sometimes and lose it. Some of you have seen that part of me. Some of you haven't, but that doesn't mean it won't happen. Now you have more of an inside look, but you still don't fully understand what it's like unless you've been through it yourself. I don't mean that to sound bad towards anybody. That's just how it is.
I am a very emotional person. People have to watch what they say to me because I can take something the wrong way pretty easily and get really offended. I guess you could say I'm always in defensive mode. I tend to assume the worst in a situation. I really don't mean to, that's just how I'm wired. I also cry super easily. Sometimes it's because I'm offended. Sometimes it's from stress. Sometimes it's from thinking about a past situation. Sometimes I have no clue why.
I also got picked on through school based mostly on my appearance. I'm not going to get into specifics. You can probably figure that out for yourself. I've never been confident in my looks because of that. I have a pretty strong personality if you didn't know. My family jokes that I should be a lawyer because I can argue about anything. I'm also pretty smart. I've always done well in school and despite what some people seem to think, I actually have some common sense. No, I don't know everything. If I don't know something, I'll go insane asking questions until I figure it out. My intelligence is something nobody has been able to make fun of. When I know I'm right about something, I'll get into it with somebody until they give up or accept that they're wrong. This can cause problems. Combine how I interpret things differently from how they're meant with my need to prove myself right and it can get nasty.
So now you know me from my own point of view. Now you probably want to know what's been happening.
Everything started going bad just over six months ago. My relationship ended out of nowhere and a lot of things happened that I felt were purposely done to hurt me more. I had to completely remove my exboyfriend from my life just to keep from doing something really stupid. I deleted him from my phone, facebook, myspace, and anything else I could think of. The person I had spent everyday with since moving to school had to stop existing to me. Unfortunately, my friends were also his friends. I didn't want to lose them, but because I couldn't let myself be around him, that's how things worked out. I was really hurt and really alone. I started skipping a lot of my classes because he was in them and I didn't care enough to bother going. I laid in bed a lot. I lost my appetite. I actually went for three days on one brownie. I can't eat when I'm deeply upset by something so I just don't. I spent almost every bit of my time in my room, only leaving for class, and eventually to get food after about a week and a half. I ate by myself in my room. I couldn't bring myself to do anything because nothing interested me. My parents came down and I went back on medicine (I was prescribed medicine to help with the depression). That didn't seem to help so I gave up on it. I wanted to go home, but I stuck it out through the end of the semester and went home for Christmas break.
My winter break was great. I got to spend time with my friends from home. One friend and I got a lot closer than we had been which was great. I learned a lot working with my dad and uncle in the office. I was finally starting to feel better. I didn't feel quite as awful. There were still times when I just wanted to run away from the world, but they weren't happening as often as before. I was determined that things would be better because I could start fresh at the beginning of the semester.
I was wrong. I went back to school in late January and spent one night with friends. Just one. We watched a movie. I went to lunch with them twice and that was the end of my social life there. I spent another month there feeling horrible, but nobody seemed to care enough to try to help. I sat in my room doing homework. I ate by myself. I went home every weekend because I didn't have anything to do at school since nobody wanted to hang out with me anymore. The last weekend of February, I was back home and spent the weekend with some of my closest friends. I decided Sunday night that I didn't want to go back.
The next morning, I cried nonstop because I had to go back to school. I told my mom that I wanted to drop out because I was so horribly miserable there. I was finally forced to go down there and told to come back home after class. We decided it would be best if I lived at home and drove to school. I had to drive to SEMO and back 27 times. I drove 130 miles 27 times (and I hate driving if you didn't know) just to avoid being there as much as possible. I did ok and finally got through the end of the semester. Goodbye SEMO. Never again will I make the mistake of living there.
You'd think that with school being out for a little while, I'd be a lot happier. I thought so too. Well, this summer has been absolutely horrible. I found out that my GPA for the year was only a 3.419. This is pretty good except that I am in danger of losing my scholarship because I didn't average a 3.5 due to horrible teachers who can't teach worth anything. Now, instead of just taking 4 credit hours to get my math class done this summer, I'm taking 10. Six of these are through SEMO. I have to get A's in both classes or I lose about $30,000 worth of scholarship money. I'm pretty disappointed with myself over that. Then, I got stuck with trying to get all the parts to put together the racecar. I should be thrilled since we quit racing 5 years ago. I'm glad we're racing again, but I'm really stressed over this because I don't know much about the car or what I'm ordering. It's coming together, but I'm slightly freaked out that I screwed something up. I'm also working for our contracting company which takes a lot of time and yelling, but none of that has put me over the edge yet.
My most recent problem (the straw that broke the camel's back I suppose) is with a friend of mine. This friend has always been very important to me. He has helped me through a lot of problems. He is completely honest with me when others won't be. He's always there for me when I needed help. This friend has been a true friend to me since we met. Well, he used to be. Lately, this friend has basically treated me like crap. He typically only speaks to me to yell at me or if he wants something. If I speak to him, ask him a question, or say something in general while he's there, I suddenly become the most annoying person to ever exist. He has been taking advantage of me and my loyalty to our friendship for the last month or so. Now, he yells at me for everything and has formed a lovely habit of informing me that I'm stupid. I admit that I'm no genius, but I am certainly not stupid. He says things like this to make me feel even worse about myself. He knows my self-esteem is really bad and that I put a lot of emphasis on what others think of me, but he insults me anyways. My intelligence is the only thing I've ever been confident in so calling me stupid on a regular basis really hits home for me. He fights with me over everything even if I haven't done anything wrong. I finally confronted him about it and told him to stop picking fights. I thought we were ok after that.
Again, I was wrong. Less than a week later, after being constantly ignored, I finally asked him what in the world I did to him to deserve being treated like this. Of course, I got screamed at via text message. He tried to turn everything around to be on me. I didn't know that seeing somebody twice a week because of a common activity was always being around. I didn't know that treating somebody with respect and helping them out when I can (just like I do for all my friends) was trying to act like somebody's girlfriend. I also make things way too complicated by analyzing situations and trying to figure out what's going on in my life. I had no idea I was such a horrible person. Oh, and I'm the one who makes everything into a fight. Explaining myself and calling people out on how they treat me is making everything into a fight. And even better, me getting myself out of the situation and separating myself from him except once a week when we have to be in the same building is a self pity routine. If you all were aware of this, I wish you would have told me because I sure as heck didn't know.
So here's what I did. I deleted his number from my phone and I kicked him off my facebook friends list. I know. You're probably wondering why that's even a big deal. Well, it prevents me from texting him (even though I know his number, it's harder to contact him if he's not in my address book) and I don't have to see him on my news feed. This makes him as non-existent to me as possible right now. You probably think I'm overdramatizing the situation, but I've found that doing those things is a great thing for me. Getting away from the situation as much as possible is how I deal with emotionally stressful situations like this. I don't want it to be forever. It just has to happen like this until we've both had a chance to cool down and stop wanting to kill each other.
This doesn't mean I'm happy with the situation. I hate it, but I think it's necessary. I can't be around someone who is so mad at me that he resorts to attacking my emotions knowing it will hurt me. He needs to be away from me because that's what he seems to want. I need to be away from him because of everything I just told you. It probably won't last long, but I don't think I have a choice right now.
I hope you have a better understanding of how I've been acting lately. I know, it can get pretty frustrating. I don't mean to be a pain. I just don't know how else to act. If you've managed to read all of this, thank you. I know it's a lot, but you reading this tells me that you care about me. For that, I appreciate you. Let me know that you've read it. If you're curious about something, ask me. If you have any words of wisdom, I'd love to hear it. If you think I'm just crazy, let me know. I've had much worse said about me. I'm really curious about your opinions of everything. This is the first time I've even told anybody about this blog. Compared to this post, the rest of it is trash. I love to write though and want to start sharing my thoughts with you if you'd like to hear them. So again, thank you for reading this. :-)
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Being the Second Choice... Every Time
Second place... some consider it great. It's a silver medal. To many racers (and I'm sure others), second place is just the first loser. I had a best friend in high school who always got what I wanted. She got the guys first. I only got them after she told them no. She got my musical part. I only got it after she quit. She was always better than me. I loved her to death, but I hated always coming in second. It drove me nuts. I kept quiet about it until recently. I finally let loose about it to one of my very good friends who now can't stand her anymore than I can.
Then I went to college, I got into a great relationship. Well, most of it was great. The downside was his best friend. She always came before me. She was always more important. Her freaky obsession was perfectly ok. It drove a wedge between us, and eventually it broke us up. I couldn't even be first in my own relationship. Again, I hated it and went nutty about it.
Never again will I let myself be second. Sometimes, I have to be more important. I need to win. I don't need to be focused on who's better than me. That's a bunch of crap. It's not happening anymore. Can you say radical self love?
Then I went to college, I got into a great relationship. Well, most of it was great. The downside was his best friend. She always came before me. She was always more important. Her freaky obsession was perfectly ok. It drove a wedge between us, and eventually it broke us up. I couldn't even be first in my own relationship. Again, I hated it and went nutty about it.
Never again will I let myself be second. Sometimes, I have to be more important. I need to win. I don't need to be focused on who's better than me. That's a bunch of crap. It's not happening anymore. Can you say radical self love?
Home: Sometimes it's where you belong
If you don't know me, some background information might help you out for this one. I was born and raised in Marion/Johnston City. I've always lived here. I wanted out though so I went to school at Southeast Missouri State University. It's about 60 miles from home so it's far enough to make me live on compus and live my own life, but it's also close enough for me to come home whenever I want. Thank goodness for that. I lived on campus for the fall semester and the first month and a half of second semester. Then, I came home for the last weekend of February and had a blast. This was a huge contrast from school where I sat in my room alone trying to get people to want to do stuff. It never worked. I was by myself all the time (unless I was in class) and I hated it. The people who were supposed to be my friends pretty much failed miserably at that. So after a lot of crying, screaming, and thinking, I decided to be a commuter. Lucky for me, I only have class three days a week. Unlucky for me, I have a class at 8am and have to leave by 6:15 to make it down there on time. Have I ever mentioned that I'm not a morning person? I want to smack myself every time I get in the car to drive down there, but it's definitely worth it. I get to be home with my family and spend time with my friends who I love to pieces! This is where I belong, and I'm so glad I'm back!
Weather and Mood
Note: This was originally written on March 8th. I'm working on getting caught up on everything and writing more soon. It's a work in progress.
I've decided that my mood is totally based on the weather. This winter has been so dark, cold, and wet. I haven't exactly been in the greatest of moods. Walking outside bundled up with an umbrella over my head trying to block the wind and rain while sniffling from the cold isn't what I call fun. I try to stay inside when the weather is yucky, but then I get mad because I'm stuck inside.
Yesterday, the weather was gorgeous! It was almost 70 degrees and sunny. It was so wonderful! I sat outside by a tree for a couple of hours. I loved it! Yesterday was fantastic!
Evidently it rained last night. It's dark and cloudy again just like it has been all winter. Grrrrr! I hate weather like this. I haven't been in a good mood today just because of the weather.
Therefore, my mood is based on the weather and it needs to be nice outside again.
Another note: The weather has gotten a lot better since then. I love it!
I've decided that my mood is totally based on the weather. This winter has been so dark, cold, and wet. I haven't exactly been in the greatest of moods. Walking outside bundled up with an umbrella over my head trying to block the wind and rain while sniffling from the cold isn't what I call fun. I try to stay inside when the weather is yucky, but then I get mad because I'm stuck inside.
Yesterday, the weather was gorgeous! It was almost 70 degrees and sunny. It was so wonderful! I sat outside by a tree for a couple of hours. I loved it! Yesterday was fantastic!
Evidently it rained last night. It's dark and cloudy again just like it has been all winter. Grrrrr! I hate weather like this. I haven't been in a good mood today just because of the weather.
Therefore, my mood is based on the weather and it needs to be nice outside again.
Another note: The weather has gotten a lot better since then. I love it!
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Always Right Syndrome
I'm currently sitting in a room with my computer. I was working on typing up mythology notes, but the conversation going on in the room is just too much for me to resist talking about. There are two people working together on a project. I don't understand everything they're talking about, but one thing is clear. One of them has "always right syndrome." We'll call him Keith, and the other guy is Brad. Yeah, that will work. So Keith is asking Brad for his help using a program that he doesn't fully understand. That's perfectly legitimate. The problem is that anytime Brad tries to ask a question or explain something, Keith interrupts saying that Brad is wrong and not listening. It's funny how Keith is asking Brad for help, but evidently Keith is such an expert on the program that he knows Brad is completely wrong. Another thing, Brad has some mental limitations that Keith is fully aware of, but Keith isn't taking this into account. He is too busy yelling and being "superior" to Brad to care about these limitations. The fun part of it is that Keith has a friend, Trevor, who has all sorts of "limitations" that explain why he is so incredibly annoying all the time. Evidently, he now has a new disability that is affecting him at work that he has had since he was born, but nobody had ever heard about until now. This seems to happen a lot. Even brad questioned the legitimacy of this newest limitation. Oh the hypocrisy that always seems to be present in my life. Gotta love it.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
The 3 Hardest Things to Say
A long time ago, I heard or read something that said the three hardest things to say. They are: 1. I love you. 2. I'm sorry. 3. I need help. I definitely don't think this holds true anymore (at least not for the first 2). A lot of people pass these phrases around with absolutely no meaning behind them.
The phrase "I love you" used to mean so much more than it does now. It used to be such a huge moment in a serious relationship. Now, we say it to anybody we just happen to be friends with or somebody who does something nice for us. It's not a problem to say it anymore because the meaning behind it has faded. I went back through my text messages. In the last month, I have 20 messages of somebody saying they love somebody else. I'm 100% guilty of it too.
"I'm sorry" has become a part of my everyday life. In those same text messages, I found 77 instances of somebody saying they're sorry for something. Sorry is so common anymore again because the true meaning of it has been lost. Go up to somebody and tell them you truly apologize for (insert whatever you said/did here). It's a little bit harder isn't it? That's because it actually means something. That's what "I'm sorry" is supposed to feel like.
My third phrase is a little different. I think the difficulty of this phrase definitely depends on the person and the situation. Some people never ask for help. Some ask for help on everything! I like to think I'm somewhere in the middle. I prefer to do things myself, but I'll ask for help if I know I can't. It's a lot easier to ask somebody for help moving furniture than a drug problem. (No, I don't know from personal experience, but if you don't believe me, try it for yourself and find out.)
Maybe we need a new top 3 hardest things to say because these more than likely are not at the top of the list anymore.
The phrase "I love you" used to mean so much more than it does now. It used to be such a huge moment in a serious relationship. Now, we say it to anybody we just happen to be friends with or somebody who does something nice for us. It's not a problem to say it anymore because the meaning behind it has faded. I went back through my text messages. In the last month, I have 20 messages of somebody saying they love somebody else. I'm 100% guilty of it too.
"I'm sorry" has become a part of my everyday life. In those same text messages, I found 77 instances of somebody saying they're sorry for something. Sorry is so common anymore again because the true meaning of it has been lost. Go up to somebody and tell them you truly apologize for (insert whatever you said/did here). It's a little bit harder isn't it? That's because it actually means something. That's what "I'm sorry" is supposed to feel like.
My third phrase is a little different. I think the difficulty of this phrase definitely depends on the person and the situation. Some people never ask for help. Some ask for help on everything! I like to think I'm somewhere in the middle. I prefer to do things myself, but I'll ask for help if I know I can't. It's a lot easier to ask somebody for help moving furniture than a drug problem. (No, I don't know from personal experience, but if you don't believe me, try it for yourself and find out.)
Maybe we need a new top 3 hardest things to say because these more than likely are not at the top of the list anymore.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Reconnecting With Old Friends
Note: This was originally written on February 8th, 2010
Last week, I was laying in my bed with nothing to do (I wish I could say the same this week) when i decided to text a bunch of friends and see how everybody was doing. I went out messages to 20 people. Most of them eventually responded. I carried on conversations with them for a while. It was good to hear from people after such a long time. Some of my conversations were starting to die down. Then, my phone rang.
I looked at my my phone to see who was calling and was thoroughly surprised to see Nolan Hancock's name on my screen. Nolan and I met in sixth grade and were such great friends all through school. Unfortunately, we both got super busy at different colleges and hadn't really talked since the end of last summer. I was so excited to hear from him. We got to talk for a while about school and how life in general was going. He caught me up on everybody back home. It was so great to talk with him again. We spent 7 years together. He was a big part of my school life. We were a lot closer than either of us would admit. It felt good to talk to him again.
So what's the lesson in this? Don't let school or distance get in the way of staying connected with friends. And if you do, fix it! Those connections are so important. Don't let them fade away.
Last week, I was laying in my bed with nothing to do (I wish I could say the same this week) when i decided to text a bunch of friends and see how everybody was doing. I went out messages to 20 people. Most of them eventually responded. I carried on conversations with them for a while. It was good to hear from people after such a long time. Some of my conversations were starting to die down. Then, my phone rang.
I looked at my my phone to see who was calling and was thoroughly surprised to see Nolan Hancock's name on my screen. Nolan and I met in sixth grade and were such great friends all through school. Unfortunately, we both got super busy at different colleges and hadn't really talked since the end of last summer. I was so excited to hear from him. We got to talk for a while about school and how life in general was going. He caught me up on everybody back home. It was so great to talk with him again. We spent 7 years together. He was a big part of my school life. We were a lot closer than either of us would admit. It felt good to talk to him again.
So what's the lesson in this? Don't let school or distance get in the way of staying connected with friends. And if you do, fix it! Those connections are so important. Don't let them fade away.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
And so it begins
So I've been working on some different random topics trying to really get going on my writing. I finally have enough to feel comfortable posting. Hopefully, I can actually get consistent with this. Maybe even one every day! That'd be awesome. Well... Let's see where this goes.
Former Relationships: How Do Their Outcomes Vary? (Written February 8th, 2010)
The last few days have really had me thinking about how I get along with my ex-boyfriends. Just the last two alone show how vast of a difference there can be. They are complete polar opposites. One couldn't have worked out better. The other couldn't be worse.
The first one, I dated for 4 months. We've been broken up for almost a year now, but he's one of my closest friends. We just get each other and we get along too well not to be friends. Anytime I'm home, I make sure to spend time with him even if it's just goofing around or watching movies. We're the kind of friends who don't have to be doing anything to have fun. I can talk to him about anything and he knows he can talk to me. No matter what, we always end up laughing and having a great time. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have him as a friend. He gets frustrated with me for it sometimes, but anytime I have a problem, I go to him because he isn't going to sugar-coat anything. If I'm being a total idiot, he'll tell me. I'm the same way with him. I really think that honesty and trust is the key to our friendship. We had a great relationship while it lasted, and while I was upset about the breakup, it ended on good terms. Once I got over the heartbreak, our friendship really strengthened. I'm so thankful for that.
Then there's the more recent one. We dated for about three months and have been broken up for about that long. It was an awful breakup with a lot of drama. We used to spend every day together. Now, we barely even speak. I never would have imagined things would be like this between us, but that's how it worked out. We haven't had a real conversation for months. All we do is fight. It amazes me how two people can go from being inseparable to not being able to be around each other. I saw him walking from class today. This isn't the first time I've passed him, and not once have we acknowledged the existence of the other. I suppose we have a mutual agreement of cutting each other out of our lives. Maybe one day we'll be able to get along, but for now I don't see that happening. The sad part of it is that I'm perfectly ok with that.
Of course, I have had other past relationships. I am friends with some. Others, I haven't talked to in a long time. It really just depends on how I knew them. Some people are only meant to be in your life temporarily. Others will be there for a lifetime. I hope all those I no longer am in contact with are doing well, and I hope those I still have friendships with will be my friends forever.
So what's your experience with this? Any thoughts?
Former Relationships: How Do Their Outcomes Vary? (Written February 8th, 2010)
The last few days have really had me thinking about how I get along with my ex-boyfriends. Just the last two alone show how vast of a difference there can be. They are complete polar opposites. One couldn't have worked out better. The other couldn't be worse.
The first one, I dated for 4 months. We've been broken up for almost a year now, but he's one of my closest friends. We just get each other and we get along too well not to be friends. Anytime I'm home, I make sure to spend time with him even if it's just goofing around or watching movies. We're the kind of friends who don't have to be doing anything to have fun. I can talk to him about anything and he knows he can talk to me. No matter what, we always end up laughing and having a great time. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have him as a friend. He gets frustrated with me for it sometimes, but anytime I have a problem, I go to him because he isn't going to sugar-coat anything. If I'm being a total idiot, he'll tell me. I'm the same way with him. I really think that honesty and trust is the key to our friendship. We had a great relationship while it lasted, and while I was upset about the breakup, it ended on good terms. Once I got over the heartbreak, our friendship really strengthened. I'm so thankful for that.
Then there's the more recent one. We dated for about three months and have been broken up for about that long. It was an awful breakup with a lot of drama. We used to spend every day together. Now, we barely even speak. I never would have imagined things would be like this between us, but that's how it worked out. We haven't had a real conversation for months. All we do is fight. It amazes me how two people can go from being inseparable to not being able to be around each other. I saw him walking from class today. This isn't the first time I've passed him, and not once have we acknowledged the existence of the other. I suppose we have a mutual agreement of cutting each other out of our lives. Maybe one day we'll be able to get along, but for now I don't see that happening. The sad part of it is that I'm perfectly ok with that.
Of course, I have had other past relationships. I am friends with some. Others, I haven't talked to in a long time. It really just depends on how I knew them. Some people are only meant to be in your life temporarily. Others will be there for a lifetime. I hope all those I no longer am in contact with are doing well, and I hope those I still have friendships with will be my friends forever.
So what's your experience with this? Any thoughts?
Sunday, January 31, 2010
The past few months have been pretty insane for me. I forgot about this whole blog thing. Sorry. Ross and I broke up in November which was pretty hard on me. I'm still feeling the ripple effects. Sometimes, I feel like I'm a completely different person. Whether that's good or bad, I'm yet to discover. I suppose I need to figure out who I am and how to love myself before I can focus on other people. So here's what I know...
I'm Brittany.
I'm a born and raised southern Illinois girl.
I'm the female version of my father.
I can be the dressed up girly girl sometimes, but I love to play in the dirt.
I've always been a good kid. I want to branch out and explore the world, but I'm too afraid of the consequences.
I have friends who I can talk to about stuff, but I spend a lot of time by myself these days.
I'm a business major and psychology minor, but I have no clue what I'm going to do with them.
I love love love music. I'm one of those "iPod people" you see walking around with headphones in ignoring the rest of the world.
I'm obsessive compulsive about being organized, but I procrastinate all the time.
I hate sports, but I love racing.
I like to travel. Cruising is by far the best way to do this.
I've always been very people dependent which has recently blown up in my face.
I'm learning to be my own person.
I just have to figure out who that is.
You probably think I'm going to use this blog to talk about myself. Well, you're only a little bit right. I hate self-centered people. Yes, I love to talk about myself, but I know it gets old after a while. You're probably sick of hearing about me already.
I'm going to use this blog to write about whatever issue is on my mind at the time. I will never say my opinion is absolute fact. It's strictly my opinion, and you have the freedom to disagree with me whenever you want. I'm definitely open to your opinion. Just be nice about it please, and if you have any suggestions for something I could write about, let me know.
For now, I'm going to be coming up with some topics to write about. This might be a waste of time with nobody reading it. If it is, maybe I'll learn something new about myself. If it's successful, yea for me! :-)
That's all for now.
xo Brittany
I'm Brittany.
I'm a born and raised southern Illinois girl.
I'm the female version of my father.
I can be the dressed up girly girl sometimes, but I love to play in the dirt.
I've always been a good kid. I want to branch out and explore the world, but I'm too afraid of the consequences.
I have friends who I can talk to about stuff, but I spend a lot of time by myself these days.
I'm a business major and psychology minor, but I have no clue what I'm going to do with them.
I love love love music. I'm one of those "iPod people" you see walking around with headphones in ignoring the rest of the world.
I'm obsessive compulsive about being organized, but I procrastinate all the time.
I hate sports, but I love racing.
I like to travel. Cruising is by far the best way to do this.
I've always been very people dependent which has recently blown up in my face.
I'm learning to be my own person.
I just have to figure out who that is.
You probably think I'm going to use this blog to talk about myself. Well, you're only a little bit right. I hate self-centered people. Yes, I love to talk about myself, but I know it gets old after a while. You're probably sick of hearing about me already.
I'm going to use this blog to write about whatever issue is on my mind at the time. I will never say my opinion is absolute fact. It's strictly my opinion, and you have the freedom to disagree with me whenever you want. I'm definitely open to your opinion. Just be nice about it please, and if you have any suggestions for something I could write about, let me know.
For now, I'm going to be coming up with some topics to write about. This might be a waste of time with nobody reading it. If it is, maybe I'll learn something new about myself. If it's successful, yea for me! :-)
That's all for now.
xo Brittany
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